An open Affair

How often have you felt a jolt that seemed irrecoverable? Fleeting moments when you wished death, run away to hide in the woods, scream out loud, beat yourself red, scratch your arms till they peeled off, sob till you fell asleep. I used to cry my heart out to get heard when young, to let them know that I’ve been hurt, closed my eyes tight as if praying, “God! Make me disappear”, sometimes wanting to run away from home. I had cried, wept & sobbed till I fell asleep. The incidents were momentary & easier to get over with but every time I underwent it I felt Unwanted in my own world. I was shoved away as if I were dirt, I was screamed at as if I was an opaque object, I was told a thousand words I did not belong to. On each of these occasions, I felt as if I’m not wanted around, that they could still do without me & that my absence won’t create an impact in their lives. Parents, teachers, friends, relatives, neighbors – By all of ‘em! For not having scored as much marks as oth...

You must eat chocolates when low. Well, regular meditation also helps control your senses. Movies are so not cool, you must join us to the disc, dancing will help you unwind! A balanced diet is the secret to a beautiful mind so indulge once in a while. Ennada…What special? You look all pretty today. Birthday, Husband’s birthday…mmm must be your Anniversary? I pull myself from yelling,” Guys! Stop barking! You may contract Rabies”. I don’t want people to be too agreeable since it saves me from liking them a great deal. The friendlier the conversation, higher is the probability that they assume rights in your life. I shop since it works greatly as an anti-depressant for me, I love to indulge & therefore eat, and I like to catch up a movie after a hard day at work! I often dress up since I’m happier more often unlike them. So why equate “ I ” to “ They ”? They are the self proclaimed segment of genius, intelligent, sensitive & liberated. They endorse the concept of “individual ...

Wish we could do it beyond the keys on the keyboard. Wish all that was not-so-perfect could be rearranged to suit the ideal arrangement. Wish all gaps sealed with appropriate moulds. Wish the virtual world could be extended to the real, wish we were the Masters of our lives. Wish someone just granted me a WISH! What if we were powered to change all that seemed imperfect in our lives? You had a screen like the desktop that captured all those moments you wished to change, the keyboard to design the ideal moment options & all you needed to do was – Ctrl C Ctrl V ! Preview your life in its best designs & choose the most suited one that felt RIGHT in the heart. And - BINGO! Perfect Life , Perfect You & the Perfect setting! Doesn’t it sound like the most ideal economics when Demand meets Supply? Ironically, even economy strives to reach equilibrium with limited resources. That’s Ideal Vs Real !

I had seen a couple of them on TV, heard of them from cousins narrating their experiences in local buses & finally seniors from school who went to Delhi University to pursue college. And as footsteps would follow, I too landed in the Capital city to pursue studies. Ashok Vihaar was a good 6kms away from our PG and therefore local buses to commute to such distances. I wasn’t psyched to catch a glimpse of these rickety buses tilted on a side with people hanging out of the gates, one leg up on the stair as if it were a big tree laden with rich fruits. I wondered how one could make spaces to enter inside the bus & what if someone had to get down. And also imagined what it would be like to sit inside a crowded bus until I travelled to my college. We push through the people on the gates; manage to reach the second stair & zoom the bus goes off. Managing our way forth we reach the conductor who is royally seated - unperturbed & unaffected in his neatly ironed khaki shirt, stra...

I was expected to greet uncles & aunties when they visited us, in a certain demeanor. I was also expected to talk respectfully of elders, so what if they were strangers; I was expected to come home by 6 after twilight games and sit down to study as if the school bells hadn’t rung at all. Though not wanting to give in at all times, I knew I was being checked & measured continually. It always made me think if I would ever get rid of her & get to live my way. I probably did it all to keep up the good name I had earned. The lives were almost etched with defining rules and so well fell in places that otherwise would have remained empty. To come to think of it, I still get to gather some of those long lost compliments when I visit relatives without having to do much to please them; courtesy – ol’ time sake! It surprises me though that I continue to live like that even today, not just have I taken to it but have enjoyed living within self made boundaries. A lot of mine is owed to ...