Unwanted

How often have you felt a jolt that seemed irrecoverable? Fleeting moments when you wished death, run away to hide in the woods, scream out loud, beat yourself red, scratch your arms till they peeled off, sob till you fell asleep.
I used to cry my heart out to get heard when young, to let them know that I’ve been hurt, closed my eyes tight as if praying, “God! Make me disappear”, sometimes wanting to run away from home. I had cried, wept & sobbed till I fell asleep. The incidents were momentary & easier to get over with but every time I underwent it I felt Unwanted in my own world.
I was shoved away as if I were dirt, I was screamed at as if I was an opaque object, I was told a thousand words I did not belong to. On each of these occasions, I felt as if I’m not wanted around, that they could still do without me & that my absence won’t create an impact in their lives.
Parents, teachers, friends, relatives, neighbors – By all of ‘em!
For not having scored as much marks as other kids, for attempting to explain since it was not my fault, for letting out a trivial secret to a third friend, for bashing up a cousin for losing the bet, for prying on her son’s bicycle since he rode a Ladybird.
A wretched feeling – maybe shame, embarrassment, disgrace, humiliation & a certain awkwardness that crushed the ego, butchered the inner self & damaged comfiture.
To this day while I goof up an excel sheet for an important presentation, a tiff with my boss, heated exchanges at work & pointless arguments on equal responsibilities to be shared by each.
Amidst all, it still lingers sometimes – the feeling of being Unwanted.

Comments

starrynight said…
unwanted. it's a scary feeling. but if you flip it....a convict would love to be un-wanted. that makes me think why does a convict's mug shot have 'wanted' written on it. shouldnt it be something more sinister?
February 24, 2008 at 10:42 PM
Musings said…
Rightly said! Everytime I go through an emotion as this, it forces me to believe that I've committed a crime.
February 25, 2008 at 1:22 AM
Bharathi said…
Everybody goes thru this phase, wish i could rephrase the definition of Unwanted as
" Unanimously wanted "
February 26, 2008 at 11:27 PM
Unknown said…
I think, more than unwanted, one is made to feel 'incapable' also and making a mistake is thrown as a matter of life & death! But something, I believe in is, if we were meant not to make mistakes then why was the eraser invented with the pencil!
February 28, 2008 at 12:39 AM
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